The gap in the polyamory/ monogamy conversation
We have become caught in the question of what is 'right'. Let us return to the question of what makes us human.
8 August 2026
The conversation on polyamory/ monogamy too often gets skewered towards a norm of functionality. One or other is deemed wrong because it leads to dysfunction. This ignores the overriding fact that human relationships in our times and cultures are profoundly dysfunctional. And arguably the wild range of human emotion desire and experience means that all human relationships across all times have all been pretty complex and messy.
If we relieve ourselves of the burden to ‘get it right’ then maybe there is a simpler argument to be made in favour of people finding out what works for them, in each moment, with each person that they love. We will inevitably, eventually surrender ourselves to norms and constructs, whatever these may be, every human relationship has its codes. You can either take the ones given to you wholesale, or you can attempt to craft your own. Neither will save you from the glorious mess of being human, but one might offer you a greater chance of expressing your humanity moment to moment.
In the west we have become obsessed with avoiding harm. In the uk we have an entire social and legal infrastructure that punishes and attempts to eradicate error. With no other outcome than the repression of the base urges and expressions that make us human. Harm is an inevitable fact of life. Of course you do not call it in. But you cannot either call it out. That is the conundrum we must navigate. Each of us, every day. Where does the line of accountability lie? Who is responsible? When is it ok to err?
I do not have answers, but I have a body that is in every single possible way antagonistic to dogma. Dogma is a framework conceived by ~ who? one must ask. why? one must also ask ~ imposed on many. This is absurd, structurally. Who is in a position to tell me what to do with my life? No. My firmly held conviction is that life is fundamentally dynamic, and we must equip ourselves with the relational tools at the scale of our dynamic nature. Ways of relating that are capable of holding and navigating desire and complexity moment to moment, not waiting for some pre-ordained rule by some or other god to come save us. This is the patriarchy. We defer to the patriarch. The father. God. It is oppression and it is no way to live.
The alternative is messy, complicated, and fundamentally flawed - as are we. But it is a mode of being that affirms our individuality and our collectivity in the same motion. It says we are part and we are unique and we must work each and every day with the best tools at our disposal to make this giant tangle of energetics we call society work. And it works, in this framework, because we are all engaged. It works because we are all invested. It works because we all belong. It is not perfect, but it is seeking truth in each and every moment. That for me is a dream worth living for. And the option of an infinity of relationship structures is one profound step towards this dream. Our most primal animal nature, being given space to roam, to understand itself, to be known. This is the art. No matter where you then choose to lay your head. Yes it may be complicated. Most likely. How many simple relationships do you have where you are free to totally be yourself?
We need skills, we need education (not of the kind you blindly inherit, but of the kind you consciously create, review, create again, and again and again). We need to hold the task of change with both hands. But just because it is complicated, just because it is hard, just because you have been hurt, this is no reason to turn back to a past of oppression, denial and shame. Let us not fool ourselves, the monogamy we were raised in is no loving utopia. Is is a machine of obedience and oppression. The complexity is real. But let us not shy away in fear. It is simply reason more to put our heads together and take this task of the future as seriously as it deserves. Let us do the work.
Who are you? What do you want? What is alive between you and the world in this moment? These are the questions that must guide our relating. Not what should I do? Who should I show myself as? What is expected of us here? These are performances of self that deny the very matter that gives us life. This is a desecration of the sacred light that lives inside you. It is why we are ill and lost. We must be brave. We must create together. We must try. It is a matter of art, and a matter of survival. Our earth cannot be any further constricted. Nor can our souls.
Let us roam free, test the edges of our freedoms, have the humility to turn back when burned, try something different. Tend to this shared creation together. This is the power we have. And it baffles me how there is anything else worth fighting for in this life than that. Comfort a meagre reward for sterility.
It is time to live.
